Ever since my dad shot himself I have tried to understand what he might have been going through the whole time leading up to his death. He always seems happy, and wouldn’t let me see him hurting. It breaks my heart because being a mother now I can understand that, but I still wish he would have known that he could have talked to me. It’s been 5 years last April and today I still am tormented with 3-4 nights of nightmares of watching my father as if I was a ghost in his room and watching him pace back and forth and crying, and the pain he must have been feeling.
My dream seems like I’m watching him for a few days, and seeing just how he broke down. Then when it comes to the very end, I can feel and heart his heart rate rising, and he cries and cries finally taking a gun, with his hand-shaking and the other hand clenched, he takes his own life.
I think the reason why this haunts me is finding out my dad had killed himself in a foreign country, never getting to receive his suicide letter. I have tried and tried and nobody can tell me where his belongings are. I received an email with a subject: “your dad” , and it went on to say, ” your father had taken his own life today” I immediately projectile vomited right in front of my where the deepest pain let out a whale of yelling and screaming, tears, and nothing could stop it. I had spoken to him the night before, and he said, “I love you Casey”
I was told a story that has changed many times and was sent his ashes where I picked up from the international airport customs terminal.
My life has never been the same. My dad and I were very closely whole life. He had raised me after my mother had abused me physically, emotionally and sexually. He was my protector. He gave me 100x times the effort a dad would because he wanted me to remember being loved and knew by exposing me to love and comfort 1000x if I was abused 100x, most likely I’d choose to remember the good.
Not knowing what happened to my dad that day, where he got the gun, what he had been doing days before his death, and not reading his last words are just a few reasons why I constantly try to figure out and understand.
Since I got the news that my father is gone, I have lost custody of my daughter to a husband who left me the same week I got the news about my dad. My abusive mother helped my ex-husband file court order and convincing the court I was a horrible mom.
I am so traumatized and experience the exact pain if each event over and over. When my daughter was taken from me, the already painful agony grew deeper and there was no way I could hold together. I friend for months all days some times. I was so crushed.
I feel better finally getting this off my chest.